February 15, 1961

Dear Diary:

I found out that I insult people, so I have to stop it.

I don’t think I’ve stopped insulting people since 1961.

It’s not an intentional thing.  After decades of being told I was aloof, disconnected and rude to people whom I have little in common, I now discover that my lack of social graces is probably due to Asperger’s Syndrome.  It’s not a disease, or something to be fixed.  It’s just the way a person is wired.

A few examples of Asperger’s symptoms in children, along with my reflective thoughts growing up:

Dislikes any changes in routines. (“What do you mean we’re not having spaghetti tonight? It’s Wednesday!)

Appears to lack empathy. (Oh, Paul fell out of a tree and has a branch hanging out of his knee cap? Yah, so about my new dress.)

Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. (Does making up codes, then writing out advanced codes to understand the original codes count?)

Talks a great deal. (“I swear Frank, your daughter was vaccinated with a phonograph needle!”)

Avoids eye contact or stares at others. (“No Mom, I am not lying.”  “Then why can’t you look at me?”, says Mom.  Jone continues to stare at floor.)

Have unusual facial expressions or postures. (Could this be a reference to my obvious look of disgust when people could not follow my theories of how everything on the planet contained numeric values and male/female genders?  You know, forks and spoons are female with numeric values of four and six respectively, and knives are seven and male.)

Have delayed motor development. (Handwriting totally illegible coupled with no sense of balance.)

Have heightened sensitivity and become over stimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures. (I think I’ve read enough.)

So where am I going with all this?  Reading through diary entries and reflecting on cumulative feedback from friends, family and books I’ve been reading on Aspies, I’ve come to the realization that most of my life I’ve actually had no interest in trying to fit-in to the status quo.

I thoroughly enjoy my own company, am passionate about sharing what I know, and look forward to hearing from others about their experiences all from the womb-like comfort of my computer.  (More of that perceived Aspy arrogance.)

Having early experiences of Spiritual visitations allowed me to compensate for the social skills I never developed.  Conversations with the departed were fascinating, sometimes scary and always unexpected.  Accessing the plant and rock kingdoms were more grounding with their easily understood languages and a keen sense of belonging.  The hundreds upon hundreds of experiences that I have been fortunate enough to remember and share is a seamless transition to the practical world of everyday living.

Don’t be thrown if I stare while you talk.  I am listening to two sides of my realities and it gets a little crowded in my head.

Tags: arrogance, Aspergers, autism, belonging, diary, numeric values, spiritual visitations, stare